Recently I've been led to think and pray about the issue of building relationship with people who don't necessarily see the world the same way I do. Of course, considering the broad spectrum of what we call evangelicalism, let alone all of Christendom, this discussion could definitely be restricted to relationship within the church. That alone is a large, complex, topic. But specifically I've been challenged on this issue of building relationship with those outside of the Church.

It seems to me that when you try and wrap your head and heart around this term “relationship” that you cannot get away from the fact that it involves a connection made voluntarily between two equal individuals. Steering clear of the negative manifestations of relationship- when co-dependence and domination come into play, I want to focus on the nature of healthy, mutually life-giving relationship. This might seem like a fruitless exercise, but here's the deal: If we all understand relationship so well, at least theoretically, then why do we have such difficulty really building it with non-Christians? Hmmm… perhaps a little reflection would be in order.

As much as we speak about evangelism, we don't seem to do much of it (if you're an exception to this rule then excuse me). Many people are intimidated by the thought of arguing apologetics with a person sporting a different worldview. Many in the church have recognized this and offered “relational evangelism” as a practical means of getting around this fear. The thing is though, we can't offer this merely as a solution to our phobias, as a way to get around the fear. If we're going to speak about relational evangelism then we have to be real about our true intentions. Relational evangelism should be about connecting with people, connecting as equals; in other words, really building "healthy, mutually life-giving" relationship.

Many people have noted that in reaching out to others through relational evangelism we have to be careful to not make a person feel like their conversion is our pet project. I think all of us have nodded our heads to this one. We should be cautious here though, because the issue is deeper than mere appearances. Our goal should not simply be to avoid the prospect of the other person, the evangelee, if you will, from finding out our true and hidden motives. If we're only doing that, then we're not building relationship, we’re just setting up a smoother sales deal. The point is not just to keep them from feeling like our project, but to keep them from being our pet project.

So let me take this a step further. If it's true that we need to seek real relationship with people, then how do we do this? What's the missing factor in our process? Let me suggest that the crux of this issue revolves around one simple word -dialog. Dialog by definition is not monolog - a one-person speech. Furthermore, true dialog is not just about two people moving their mouths either. Meaningful dialog rather, is the sharing of ideas, thoughts, and feelings between two people. And in this there must be a sincere desire to grow from the experience - for both people. If we merely make people salvatory targets then no matter how sincere our hearts are - in terms of seeing them come to know Jesus - our attempts will prove not only unsuccessful (because people can usually sniff out mixed motives), but also lacking as an honest attempt to image God. We must have an interest in people, not just in their eternal destiny. Obviously these two are connected… but they are not one in the same.

Even this needs some further probing because while I think most of us agree with this in theory, things get blurrier in practice. What does it mean to enter into equal relationship with someone? Well, it means that both individuals go in expecting to learn from the experience. How many of us can say we go in with that intention when we speak with non-Christians? God's truth is just that-no matter where you find it. That means it can come from the mouth of an unbeliever. Again, how many of us go in with that in mind?

An implication here of course is that we have to go in with our shields down- so to speak. By this I mean that we enter into relationship with open minds, willing to hear the other's perspective as much as we hope that they will hear ours. We must give our full resources to real relationship - not just the civil smile, the gracious, but double minded nod. Going in with the possibility that our perspectives might change is not a sign of lukewarm faith, nor is it an affront to God. On the contrary, it is exactly what God expects of us. For this is the difference between education and indoctrination. Now it is usually a given that for almost anything one states, that there is some truth on the flip side of the coin. So let me address that briefly. I know that by saying what I've said here I am likely to get some flack from people who would argue that the product of such an approach will be that Christians might possibly become great friends, but not great evangelists. In other words, Christians will use this approach as an excuse to never get around to sharing the gospel.

Firstly, let me agree in part, because often this is the case. Christians do sometimes use "relationship evangelism" as a means to escape the discomfort, and the political incorrectness of the prospect of sharing faith with another. However, we shouldn't combat one error with another. So often we swing the pendulum from one extreme to the other because we fail to have enough forethought to see that the middle ground should be our goal. We, like most, are a reactionary bunch. And reactionism is very rarely helpful. Secondly, in such a scenario there is something dualistic and false about our faith, if we think we can fully engage with people without ever sharing the role Jesus plays in our lives. And that’s not a problem with our approach; that’s a problem with our disintegrated selves.

So with that said, let's get out there and make some friends. But not just because we care about lost souls, but also because there is a world full of fascinating people out there who would be great to know, who are fully worthy of being known. Theses are the very people God loves and would love to get to know. Let's remember, true friendship is about serving one another and valuing each other's dignity - whether we're "saved and sanctified" or not. How many times need we be reminded of the people that Jesus called friends (not projects)? And just as was the case 2,000 years ago, we should go into the world not just to bring Jesus, but fully expecting to meet him there as well.