If then you are wise you will show yourself rather as a reservoir than as a canal.  A canal spreads abroad water as it receives it, but a reservoir waits until it is filled before overflowing, and thus without loss to itself [it shares] its superabundant water. —Bernard of Clairvaux (1090-1153)

A new year is upon us… we make resolutions… we set goals.  We prepare for what we think lies ahead…

I did this in 2008, as I do every year… I attempted to plan for the year ahead.  I made resolutions and set goals based on what I thought the future held.  I knew at that time that twin daughters were in my future and I did lots of thinking, praying, and journaling about what that would mean for my life.  My wife and I did all we could do to prepare to receive the unexpected blessing of two daughters—and the joy of watching identical twins grow up together. We assumed we would be dealing with two more healthy children in our family and all the challenges that would bring; we never could have anticipated just how challenging this year would actually be.

On the morning of May 2 my wife Laurie and I went to the hospital to deliver our daughters.  All indications to that point suggested both girls were healthy. At every check-up (and there were many!) mother and both daughters got a good report.  We had made it to 37+ weeks with identical twins and that was considered great.  The staff at Franklin Square Hospital was ready to receive two full-term healthy twin girls.  In fact, since we had made so far in our pregnancy, they felt there was a good chance the girls would not even have to spend time in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).  They even had two bassinets in our room ready for us to have our girls in the room with us after delivery—something we didn’t get when our son Brady was born as he had to spend his first few days of life in the NICU.

It turned out, however, that all the reports were wrong; and we (and everyone else involved) were completely unprepared for what happened next. Unbeknownst to us all, one of the girls had sustained major brain damage sometime during pregnancy. While Rebecca Mae was born healthy—a short stint in the NICU not withstanding—two days after she was born Hope Marie passed from life support to life eternal.  Our family (and our church family) was devastated, and now, eight months later, we are only beginning to emerge from the cloud of grief that has hovered over our lives since that fateful day.

I guess what I learn from this past year is that no matter how much we try and plan for the future, we simply cannot predict the circumstances that will come our way.  I don’t think that means we should not make plans, but we do need to be flexible when we make them.  Only God knows what the future holds for us, and somehow I think it might be best that way.  I often ask why everything happened the way it did?  But would it really help to know?  Would it make it any easier to understand?  The only thing we can, and must, choose is how we will react to those circumstances: Will they make us better or bitter, break down or break through?  I would never have asked for what came my way in 2008.  In the space of about six months, I lost my daughter, my son suffered febrile seizures (and again in early 2009!), my mother spent over a month in a mental hospital, and my father-in-law now has dementia.  And that says nothing about all the smaller day-to-day stuff our family lives with as my wife pastors a church and I work as a science writer, and we try and raise two children under the age of three, while simultaneously grieving the loss of our daughter. 

In the midst of all we’ve been through, we’ve tried very hard to celebrate life, and particularly our children. We are by no means “all better now;” we cannot and should not be expected to conform our grief to anyone’s timetable but God’s.  However, I would say that each day we heal a little bit more. Sometimes it seems like one step forward and two steps back again.  Sometimes it has seemed to require every bit of strength we can muster just to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward each day. But by God’s grace we’ve done it! Somehow we’ve managed to praise God in the midst of the storms of life.  We’ve chosen to praise God for who God is, not because of what he has or has not done for us.  That’s not to say it has always been easy to do; in fact, I personally have found it very difficult to do at times; but it is what I strive to do each day. 

Some have asked how we’ve done it?  How have we kept going through all of this? Honestly, sometimes I ask myself the same question: How have we done it?!  I think in years like the one we’ve lived through, the only answer I can give is that we have to draw on what is already there for us.  In one his book Finding Our Way Again: Rediscovering the Ancient Practices, Brian McLaren talks about, “learning by broken heart.”  He says that there are some periods of life when we face extremely challenging and painful life circumstances, and it seems all we can do in those times is draw upon (or remember) what is already stored up in the deepest parts of us to sustain us and keep us moving forward.  I think Laurie would agree this is a pretty apt summary of how we have survived the last eight months.

The quote from Clairvaux (at the top of the article) certainly rings true in our life recently.  When hardship comes our way, as it inevitably will, it is much like the onset of the dry season in the rain forest. The abundant rains cut off without much warning and the surface water that may have previously flowed freely in our life rapidly dries up.  We no longer have easy access to what we need to survive.  The canals (rivers and streams) run dry abruptly and the only thing we can do is draw from what is stored up in the reservoirs deep within us. 

I credit my regular practice of various spiritual disciplines such as prayer, study, worship, etc., as the means God has used to help me store up the reserve that sustains me right now. I also recognize the value of being part of a community of fellow believers whose collective reservoir I can tap when mine begins to run low, and I need to be replenished.  The love and support of our local church has meant much to us these past eight months; they have helped to sustain us through some very difficult days.

So as you plan and make resolutions for the year ahead, I hope you make an intentional choice to do things that help you to draw closer to God and store up a reservoir for yourself that can help sustain you through difficult times. Your life may begoing well, and perhaps you think you can wait until “later” to get closer to God, and you might be right….  But what if you’re wrong?

My experience this past year is proof positive that it may be “later than you think.” When 2008 began, I had no clue what would happen in the next 365 days.  We usually don’t get to know ahead of time when the unthinkable will occur in our lives. And when you are in the middle of the crisis, it’s too late to build up a reserve:  You simply can’t draw upon a reservoir that doesn’t exist.

So if life is going smoothly right now, I give thanks to God and I hope you do as well.  That’s actually all the more reason to make time for prayer, fasting, worship, service, and other practices that create space for God to work in your life and to commit to actively participating in and supporting the life of a local church. These are the things we can do now while streams of abundance flow that help us store up that reserve that we need when hardship comes our way and we’re found in the desert place.  And sooner or later, we all find ourselves in that place… one way or another.

Your specific circumstances will be different than mine… but you can be sure that you will face trials of many kinds in 2009. You may never lose a child (I hope and pray not!) or have a mentally ill mom (ditto!), but facing difficult and painful life circumstances are an inevitable fact of daily life on planet Earth.  No matter how hard we try, life has a way of unfolding in ways we never would’ve expected or chosen… and in those moments we can only draw upon what we have stored up deep within.  I pray that when you need to tap that reservoir within, you will find and abundance of living water springing forth to sustain you until the “rains” come again and your supply is replenished.

May God shower mercy and grace upon us all in 2009!